Body Improvement Advice from Someone Clearly in the Know

MY DEAR FABULOUS DAUGHTER,

You will be pleased to hear that your dear sister's powers of observation are as keen as ever. We were watching Oprah today on television and the show's enlightening and inspiring topic was which brand of jeans to buy to make one's "butt" look better. We were standing at the kitchen island listening to celebrities giving knowledgeable advice about this very important topic when your sister took a step backward to examine my own jean-enwrapped bottom. "Well mom, actually your butt's looking pretty good," she said as she patted me on said butt, "but it could do with some tightening up. I think you should watch some scary movies because I notice that when I'm watching scary movies, all my muscles tighten up, especially my butt." "Oh is that so?" I replied in a rather sardonic tone. "It's true Mom," she responded, "I watch a lot of scary movies and that's probably why I have such a good butt."

I would write more, but I'm dashing off to the video store before all the scary movies are gone ...

LOVE YOUR WONDERFUL MOTHER